When you feel that someone is your soul mate and they’ve done something you disagree with, it’s hard not to blame them for disappointing you. For instance, you’ve agreed to be in a committed relationship, but 6 months later he accepts a job offer in another city. Your relationship is suddenly up in the air. What do you do, and do you forgive your soul mate?
To carry blame is a heavy load, and heavy loads can be tiring. What is tiring will take energy away from our relationships, thus perpetuating a cycle of resentment. As an experiment, you can try letting go of the blame, even for just a minute.
Forgive Your Soul Mate Meditation, Part I: Close your eyes and feel what it would be like. Pretend you are an actor, playing the role of a person you would think of as being forgiving (this can be someone you personally know, a TV character, a cartoon character, or an historical or public figure). Imagine sending the blame you feel toward your partner into a box, where you can retrieve it later if you need to. Then open another box, one which contains a gift that represents forgiveness. This is something you can have again and again when you forgive. Forgiveness is a gift you can give to yourself at any time.
Forgive Your Soul Mate Meditation, Part II: Part II can be done separately, or combined with Part I. Continue to be in a state of forgiveness for another minute. Repeat the word “forgive” to yourself as a mantra. When the two minutes of meditation are up, ask yourself if you felt better with the blame. If you did, you can have it back. It’s fully refundable, so there’s no risk in trying this meditation and seeing if you feel better.
Open your eyes and decide what you want more: the blame or the forgiveness. There is no wrong answer, and it’s okay to accept where you are in the process. Speaking of acceptance-if you are ready to accept your partner as he or she is, forgiveness will be inevitable! When you can admit you’re powerless over who this person is and what actions they take…congratulations! You are accepting an invitation into an easier, more relaxed life. You will find your days have more order and less chaos. Time will clear in your schedule. What will you do with all that extra time that you are no longer using to try and control or fix another person? And not just another person as they are now, another person as they were in the past. It’s almost impossible to change someone-they have to be willing and they need to do it themselves if they want to. But to change who they were in the past? Impossible! It’s like being an alchemist in the Middle Ages, attempting to turn everyday objects into gold.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
-Author Unknown
The one thing we can change is ourselves, including our perception of the past. Sometimes we blame others because we feel anger from something a long time ago, perhaps an injustice experienced in childhood or a previous lifetime. How do you know if you’re projecting an original blame onto your current partner? You can use the following age old adage: “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical”. When your emotions are disproportionate to the situation, your relationship is most likely acting as a trigger for unresolved feelings from a past relationship.
However, if your partner is exhibiting emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive behaviour toward you or your children or animals, there is no excuse. If a partner does something hurtful to you, you mention it to them, and then they tell you that you are “just projecting” because of something someone else did to you in the past, that could be a red flag. This can be a manipulative technique for minimising your concerns and therefore keeping you in an abusive relationship. While you can forgive when the time is right, that doesn’t mean you have to continue to tolerate unwanted behaviour.
Another question that often arises during conflicts such as a partner accepting a job in another city, or not calling as often as you would like, would be: is it time to take action? Is it time to have another conversation with your soul mate about where this relationship is headed?
Here’s a guideline that you can try: Ask yourself the following questions…
1) Does this need to be said?
2) Does this need to be said right now?
If the answer is no, let it go. When in doubt, don’t. Confusion can be a gift from the Cosmos, purposely delaying a decision until a better solution comes along. Think of HALT, a 12-step acronym for “hungry, angry, lonely, tired”. If you are one of these things, it can be beneficial to practise some self-care before you initiate an important conversation.
The final step in transforming blame to forgiveness is wishing your soul mate well, no matter what is happening now and despite whatever may have occurred in the past.
“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”
― Ann Landers
You can pray for your soul mate to have all that you want for yourself and all that would be in their highest good. Try to do it once a day for 2 weeks. Even if you don’t mean it at first, it still works. And you probably will mean it at some point. More than anything, that heavy load will finally be lifted. Your life will become lighter and positive feelings can now replace the spaces that blame was taking up in your heart. Smiles will replace fears.
If you let a disappointment in your relationship become a spiritual lesson, you will stand to gain more than love from your partner. You can tap into an infinite, universal love-one which is always available to you and does not move to other cities, but exists in all times and places and in every city around the world.
With forgiveness comes perspective.
